Perils of Online Dating

© Carsten Erler | Dreamstime Stock Photos

It was entertaining to see what kind of men would respond to my mother’s attempt at matchmaking.

Please let the record show that I did not expect to find love online.  The internet is for Facebook stalking your ex or getting a killer deal on books by bundling them with socks on Amazon. I don’t buy clothes online for the same reason I don’t find men there – you just never know if they’ll fit. Unlike shoes, men and clothes are never what they appear to be on their online profile.  Some are too baggy, some are too small, some are way too boxy and others don’t even link to the right photo.  A picture is worth a thousand words, but in this case – it’s also worth a second thought before purchase.

Nothing good would come from online dating, I knew that, but she was desperate and I was tired of hearing that I might die alone, so I decided to feign interest if only to appease her:

Have you ever been married before?  Definitely not.  Do you have children?  Absolutely not.  Do you want children?  Probably not.  Do you smoke?  No.  Well, yes, but if my mother asks, then no.  Do you drink?  I used to, before the taste of vodka reminded me of vomit.  Ever since then, no.  How important is intelligence in a potential mate?  This is a stupid question.  Would you describe yourself as active?  I am a swimmer.  Do you like outdoor activities?  Yes, anything involving the pool; like I said, avid swimmer.  On average, how often do you exercise?  Everyday.  What is your annual income?  I don’t have a job and I live with my parents.  Do you have any pets?  Dad’s allergic.  What ethnicity best describes you?  Caucasian with an alleged sprinkling of Native American.  What is your faith?  Not applicable.  Is religion important to you?  No.  Should religion be important to your potential mate?  No.  What languages do you speak?  English and conversational Spanish.  Occasionally I can also summon a Hopi word or two.  What’s your education level?  High School.  Barely.  Describe your political views.  I don’t have any.  Do you come from a large family?  Only child.

If you could go anywhere in the world for a two week vacation, where would it be?  A deserted beachside cabana. By myself.

I know what you’re thinking.  I’m so desirable, it’s intimidating.

I can’t possibly fathom why I’m not getting any hits.